“Once upon a time, an extremely dysfunctional family decided that it would be a splendid idea to take a trip to Paris. In past adventures, this family had been unsuccessful in simply visiting their local grocery store without potential incarceration, so the prospect of descending upon another country should have sounded alarm bells. It did not. The family happily made reservations and purchased tickets and packed suitcases. And then they headed for the airport.”
Thus begins the eye-opening tale of what can happen when a group of relatively-decent people is dropped into a foreign land, under the supervision of a somewhat-neurotic leader who would much rather be doing anything else other than leading. It’s fair to say that neither the family nor the country of France was prepared for this expedition. Harsh words have since been spoken, and certain legal restrictions are now in place to hopefully prevent the particular chain of events that led to this family nearly losing their collective minds in the City of Love from ever happening again.
Despite the litigation and the finger-pointing, the family, overall, had a smashing time during their Sojourn on the Seine, and they fervently hope that other families and adventurous friends and domestic partners take advantage of France-focused travel opportunities. Still, there are certain things that potential participants in the Parisian Parade should know, if only to prevent that startling moment when your own family turns against you and hurls your annoying ass off the top of the Eiffel Tower.
In the interests of providing the right cautionary notes to the unknowing public, the family turned to the one person who had reminded them daily during their week in Paris that performance expectations were not being met: Beaumont, the anxiety-riddled tour guide during their Week of Infamy in a Land That Was Not Their Own. “Tell the people what they must know about how to behave properly in a country where you don’t understand the language!” they exclaimed, waving lit torches they had found on an abandoned set from Survivor: Loire Valley.
Actually, no one exclaimed or waved anything, yet Beaumont presumed that they did, because he has unresolved issues. He was quite enthralled by the opportunity to put pen to paper and vent about how his family nearly destroyed his sanity in the span of seven days.
And this is his story…
