A frank and hilarious guide to every man’s mind-numbing nemesis: Shopping.
“In one word, hysterical.”
Guys: spent one too many Saturdays marooned at The Mall? Rejuvenate your manhood with the Shopping Survival Guide for Men. This indispensable sanity-saver exposes the hidden history and insidious psychology of shopping (Hint: it’s crazy), plus cool-headedly guides you through the treacherous, credit card-melting mazes of:
Shoes: “If you’ve ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all I know about Belgium, it does.”
Makeup: “Egyptians used cochineal bugs to make red dye for their lips, and I don’t even care what ‘cochineal’ means because the word ‘bugs’ is after it.”
Prom Dress Shopping: “Like most men, all you know about prom dresses is that they are more expensive than a good set of tires.”
Fashion Terminology: “Puckered Bodice: A banned professional wrestling move involving a lemon, a folding chair, and a car battery.”
Shopping History: “1687: Isaac Newton develops the law of universal gravity after his wife’s shoe rack collapses on him.”
Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams, the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry, and the pop-culture cleverness of James Lileks, Dan Van Oss crafts a fresh and funny guide for any man who’s ever been trapped in the Seventh Circle of Dillard’s.
Learn about the Five Stages of Shopping Grief: “(Stage Four – Depression. That’s it. I’m going to die here, right here by this bored-looking, no-armed mannequin with a size zero waist wearing something that looks like it was sneezed out of Barbie’s closet.”)
Get tips on how to avoid shopping on Black Friday (“Hit yourself on the head with the Shiatsu Neck Massager with the Kung Fu Grip your wife bought for 75% off at last year’s Black Friday sale, and pretend you no longer speak your native language.”)
Identify the “Shopping Bends” (“…where the male body attempts to compensate for the relative drop in logic and bank account levels, and the corresponding increase in estrogen levels, by trying to die.”)
Comical bonus quizzes (“Shoe Brand, Kentucky Derby Horse or Hipster Band Name?”) help you pass the time until you’re asked to haul the bags out to the minivan.
Don’t get dragged to The Mall without it!
About the Author
Get Dan’s free starter library at danvanoss.com!
Dan Van Oss (danvanoss.com) grew up reading just about everything he could borrow from the town library although admittedly sometimes just to get the sticker segments to paste onto the Reading Centipede for each book he finished. Raised on a diet of Dave Barry columns, Douglas Adams radio serials, and M*A*S*H reruns, Dan’s writing balances the line between laugh-out-loud hilarious and cleverly absurd.
Dan’s had pieces published on humorwriters.org, won 2nd place in the Mona Schreiber Prize for Humorous Fiction and Nonfiction, was a semi-finalist in the humorpress.com writing contest, and was mentioned honorably in the Soul-Making Keats Literary Competition for Humor. He started writing during college, where he enjoyed getting red lines mercilessly drawn through his Creative Writing projects by his professor, and where he also penned a weekly column in the school paper under the pseudonym “Fletcher Ford”. You can catch his weekly humor column, the “Dubious Knowledge Institute,” at danvanoss.com.
